Reflection

So again I've been doing a lot of thinking about poker and life in general and I want somewhere to write my thoughts down. This is the type of blog I always find interesting when others have written them so hopefully you guys don't think I'm just rambling with this post, but I'm still not 100% sure where it will go yet.

So I was reading a post by Bond18 today, where he discussed his thoughts and feelings about everything that's been happening etc with his life really and I realised how envious I was of him. He seems to live the kind of life I want to lead, he's a professional poker so pretty much has all the time in the world, and he uses most of it to grind, but still has time to do all the normal and lead a pretty sociable life. I'm so frustrated with school at the moment and how it restricts me so much in life by not enabling me to do all of the things I want to. It's just so time consuming, you are out all day, then you come home and have 4 hours homework to do, leaving you about an hours free time before you go to bed and do the same grind again the next day. It means I get to play 3 sessions a week, 2 MTT sessions and 1 turbo 180 session. There is nothing I'd love to do more than drop out of school right now and become a full time pro, spending 5/6 nights a week grinding the shit out of stuff and making a lot of money, giving me time to get better at poker as well increasing my potential to earn more money and win more, the only thing stopping me from doing this is what my parents would think of me. I still love at home and my mum would absolutely kill me if I were to drop out of school, pretty much commiting me to the shitty life that annoys me so much for at least the next 2 years, possibly longer.

Another thing that annoys me about spending so much time commited to school work is that there isn't enough time to get better at poker. I play on auto-pilot 30 tabling for pretty much all of my sessions, desperately trying to get volume in so I can make the money I am missing by having limited playing time. I'm a bad poker player because of it. I don't mind because I am +EV in the games I play and make money, but I know I have so much potential, if only I could spend time playing less tables and thinking about every hand properly. I'll never become the best in poker if I don't think about the hands I am playing, instead of mindlessly grinding, but I have no choice. I think I might spend my MTT sessions until the end of the year just 6 tabling and thinking about each hand very carefully and trying to make the best plays possible. Posting hands on forums etc and getting lots of feedback for my play. It means sacrificing potential monetary gain, but hopefully it will benefit me in the long run, enabling me to make a bunch of money next year.

I definitely want to win a bunch pretty soon so that I can get back onto my own money, instead of being backed. I like being backed in some ways because it means that I risk no money of my own and still get to play reasonable stakes. But at the same time there are so many requirements and rules that you have to abide by. I'd love to be able to play hyper turbo sats to the Sunday Million and play the occasional cash game, and spend my FPPs on items from the store, but I'm not allowed to do it because they aren't part of my backing arrangement. I also think I'll never make it big while I'm backed by anyone. Although I make money etc whilst being backed I play differently to when I'm on my own money and I don't think it's a good thing. Plus I'd like to be able to keep 100% of my winnings/cash out when I like etc, I think that I'm definitely losing EV by playing backed, and poker is a game where you need to maximize your EV in every way possible this isn't a good thing. Although I'm happy being backed for the moment it would still be nice to be on my own money again soon.

Off of poker now and onto real life stuff. I'm kinda tilted by real life atm too, as I realised how ridiculously lazy I am in all aspects of life. I'm ridiculously lazy at school, which seems like such a waste, if I have no choice but to be there I may as well make the most of it as there is nothing I can do to change how much time I spend there right? Well for some reason I still put in minimal effort and just scrape by even though I could do so much better. All of my friends obviously don't enjoy it either because it's school right? You're meant to hate it whilst you're there then want to go back when you leave, but they still manage to force themselves to do well yet I seem so incapable of doing so. I'm gonna have to try and teach myself to have a good work ethic. My brother recently got hypnotherapy to help him quit smoking, I wonder if that would work to give me a better work ethic too? I'll have to reaseach into it I guess.

I've also realised how unsporty I have become. I used to be a ridiclously sporty person playing any sports that I could try, but now that seems to go out of the window. I wanna set up my pool table again and get good at pool, and I've been playing squash recently at school and I've been really enjoying it so I might look into getting a membership for my local squash club if I can find anyone to play regularly with. The problem with my friends though is that they always seem to let me down. Seems to be a common trend in the area I live with, no-one can keep their promises, people are always commiting to stuff then dropping out or making other arrangements right at the last minute, so I can't really trust anyone to commit to doing this with me, I might have to see if I can befriend any current members.

I know there is so much more I want to write atm but I don't know how to put it into words, I'll think about it tonight and then try and make a new post tomorrow with the rest.

Laters

DoubtImReal

October Results: A Few Final Tables

I had a pretty good end to October poker wise, playing every one of the last 7 days and making a few final tables, including a win in the $1r for $960, and FTs in the $9 FT only tournament, the $16 360max and the $3 1.5k guarantee, add that onto numerous 2/180 FTs and the FT in the $11 20k at the starts of the month and it was a solid +$2k month.

I'm kinda disappointed with my FT performances though, most of my FTs I got 5th-7th place, and with most of the money being in the top 3, I feel like I missed out on a lot of opportunities. I am also like 1/48 or something cashing in 7/180s, just running really bad in those basically making me breakeven from my 2/180 success which is kind of disappointing. They don't run very often which means that if you are downswinging in them it is very hard to recover. My backers have said that if I perform well in the 2/180s and 7/180s over a decent sample I can move upto to 12s, and I don't want the 7s to hinder my progress so hopefully those can pick up soon.

I can't put as much volume in as last month this month, as I am back at school so can only really play 2 sessions a week, I have a break in December for Christmas so I'll probably just use November to study for both school and poker and then grind out for a big finish to the year in December. Goota thinkg of a New Years resoltuion/goals for next year before then, want to think of something challenging but achieveable so any ideas would be cool.

Til next time

DoubtImReal

Update - Swine-flu-aments

So it's 12:10 on a Friday afternoon, and I find myself in bed writing this blog, wrapped up in my nice warm quilt, watching Only Fools and Horses on DVD. Normally this would be an awesome way for anyone to spend a day, but I'd rather be slaving away doing whatever chores or work I could find at the moment. The reason being is that I have swine flu, and I can't enjoy myself if I have swine flu because I feel like shit.

So I thought I'd stop being lazy and write the blog post, updating last weeks poker results and plans for the future etc. I've been doing a lot of poker related thinking lately, even more than usual, so it'll do me good to write up my thoughts.

Firstly last weeks results; disappointing to say the least. I played a session on Friday and a session on Saturday. Friday I got deep in the $2.75/$7.5k which had just under $3000 for 1st. I lost a flip for just over a million chips with about 30 players left. I wouldn't usually mind busting out deep as I'm used to it, but when busting out deep is 6am deep, and I lose out on a lot of sleep it's kinda annoying.

So Saturday, I went deep in another tournament, the $5 6max, again a tournament that starts later in my session (seems odd that I never final table tournaments, or even get deep in tournaments from earlier on in my session), I ended up getting 19th after another cooler situation I think. Again I wouldn't usually mind but that time it was 6:30am that I went to sleep, so it left me ridiculously tilted all day Sunday.

Monday night I went to see Bloc Party live at a venue near where I live. They were amazing to say the least. It's a shame though as we were evacuated before they played the final song as someone set the fire alarm off. People were beginning to be let back in, but we felt it wasn't worth another 30 minutes of queueing, and 30 minutes getting out again just for 1 more song so we left and hit the McDonalds on the way back. Thinking back now the woman behind the counter at McDonalds didn't look well so it wouldn't surprise me if it was her that gave me the flu, bitch.

Anyway plans for the future in poker. I've always wanted to get into cash games but have never really been good enough at them, I seem to suck at playing post flop, thus shallow tournament stacks suit my play more. But one of my friends who was a backed MTT player for tourns upto $55s on normal days and all the majors on Sundays, was recently dropped for whatever reason by his backer. However instead of looking for a new backer like you would assume would be the sensible option, he has been using his FPPs to generate cash and has been grinding 0.01/0.02 cash tables. Another reason I always found cash games boring was because I never really spoke to anyone playing at the same levels as me, so I had no motivation, but I've been thinking it would be cool if I could get a little cash roll of my own to play with during weekdays when I don't play MTT sessions, and my friend and I could have friendly competitions etc to motivate ourselves as we moved up through the levels together from the micros.

Sounds fun right? I'm hoping that I can convince my backer to let me keep a separate little cash roll of my own for this venture, then I'll buy myself a copy of PokerTracker and get tackling the micro cash tables. Then in the long run, if I get good enough at cash games I could adopt those as my main game, and play the MTTs for fun at weekends etc, resulting in a more consistent income for me. Obviously that is a long way away from the 2nl tables, but with the friendly competition I'm sure we'll both progress pretty quickly.

That's about all for now, I think I'll get the work stuff sorted that I've been delaying for weeks now so that I can finally get paid, then I'll probably watch a film or something before I play a session or something later.

Til next time

DoubtImReal

NO MORE POKER TIL I DO WORK!!!

So I gotta catch up with my school work (shouldn't take too long), and I gotta send in my invoice etc for the work articles so I can get money (should take less time but I'm so lazy). So I'm not gonna do anything I enjoy (after I have finished this blog post) until I get it done.

I want to succeed in life so desperately, but I am so lazy that I never succeed due to my lack of effort. I'm gonna try for the next couple of days to get caught up with everything, so that I don't have to worry about anything making my life so much easier.

This post probably doesn't make any sense but I don't care and I just wanted to have my thoughts in writing so I can moan at myself when I fail.

Bye

Start of the Month

I played my 1st session for October yesterday, and it was quite a large one, at least by my standards. 81 tournaments according to OPR. I was 12-18 tabling for most of the day, which helped me achieve 2 of the targets I set myself in the previous post, because playing more tables makes it harder to be distracted, as you are always needed to make a decision, and obviously more tables lead to more volume.

I tried to download TourneyTrax before the session so that I could track my play, but for some reason after it downloaded it wouldn't install correctly. I also tried to install PokerTracker 3 but ran into countless problems when trying to install the PostGresSQL element, or whatever it is called, so I just gave up with the idea, and will use my Sharkscope subscription to track results for the meantime, I will just have to hope that they don't miss any tournaments.

As far as the session went I played 27 MTTs and 54 180 man SNGs according to OPR. I ran absolutely diabolically in the 180s, finishing in 12th/11th/10th and 8th as my only 4 cashes, meaning I lost about $250 overall in those. If any of my cashes had turned into a win or a top 3 finish then I might have made profit in them, but sadly it wasn't to be.

I did well in the MTTs though managing to go very deep in 2, the $2.75 tournament with $7500 guaranteed ($2.75/7.5k) and an $11 tournament with $20000 guaranteed ($11/20k). Firstly I went deep in the $2.75/7.5k, but lost a large flip for 800k chips with around 60 people left, which was close to 2x the average stack at the time. Whilst I was concentrating on this tournament however I'd also managed to get deep in the $11/20k, amassing a 100k stack. I slowly built this up to around 1.5 million, just by picking spots to steal blinds and extracting value from my good hands. I then ran JJ into QQ with 11 left for a huge CL leaving me on 600k chips, and in about 7th position with 11 left. From then on I didn't really get many spots and found myself with 8bbs left and 5 players remaining. I pushed with Q7 on the button and was called by K8 I think, I didn't get there and finished the tournament in 5th for just under $1500.

Overall I'm happy with how I played yesterday, making just over $1000, but if things had gone more my way I definitely could have made a lot more.

Here is the lobby for my $11/20k finish:

And my results for the overall session:

In life, my Nan came out of hospital on Friday night and is now at home, stocked up with enough tablets to run a small pharmacy! She was very happy to get out of the hospital, especially as it was in Hull, and she doesn't like Hull (she's said it was like staying in another country!), and hopefully the tablets will help her make a full recovery.

Tomorrow I am going to Brands Hatch race circuit to watch the last race of the British Touring Car Championship season, meaning I won't be playing a session tonight as I have to leave early in the morning. We've been going to see the BTCC for a while now, and they make for a great day out with the races, open paddocks, official merchandise stalls, drivers lounges, and the views of the pit girls! Sadly the team we follow (Vauxhall) is pulling out after this year though. I'm sure it won't stop us from going next year but it won't be the same as we won't have a team we want to support and win, it will be nice to be there for their last race though.

Not sure when my next session will be. I definitely won't be playing MTTs again until next Friday, but I might put in some smaller sessions of 45 and 180 man SNGs before then, depending on time commitments etc. So don't expect any updates before Friday although there may be some.

Until Next Time

DoubtImReal

Update: Plans

Hi guys, sorry it's been so long since my last update.

Shock horror, I'm feeling kinda depressed again. Everything that can be going wrong, is really going wrong in life atm. I have absolutely no confidence in poker, I'm getting behind at school, I have actually lost my job now, I'm feeling ill atm, and my grandma had a heart attack 2 days ago, and I can't go to see her in hospital as her immune system is low and I'm ill.

So 1st thing is first, poker. The weekend after my last update was OK, I made about $500 due to 180 man SNGs, but was still losing a lot in MTTs, as I wasn't making the final table due to run bad in the final 30 or so people. I really want the bigger scores so that I can have so money to put into Neteller enabling me to have a bankroll when I feel the need to go on my own again (probably $25k-ish). But at the moment this doesn't even look like happening because I am running so bad deep in the MTTs with more than $1000 for 1st. Meaning that overall I am breaking even/slowly bleeding away money. I haven't had a winning month since May now and feel like total shit when it comes to poker, so I'm thinking of taking a break.

School - I was struggling with a few concepts at the start of the year meaning that I got a little behind. Last year this wouldn't have been a problem and I'd have been caught up by now, but this year the workload is so much larger than what I've been used to, meaning I just get my head around one topic, and I have to be handing in work for the next one. It's so tilting, and with me being such a lazy, bone-idle person, I don't want to spend more of my free time than I am used to catching up, so I'm stuck in a vicious cycle where I am always one topic behind everyone else, which is very annoying and I can't keep going on like it.

Job - The boss wants me to invoice him for the work I have done, so that I can get paid, then we will obviously be discontinuing our working relationship. It is my fault for being so lazy and forgetful but it's kinda depressing as I needed the guaranteed income that comes with the job, so really should have tried my best to keep the job. I haven't gotten round to sending him the final work yet as I have been busy worrying about my Grandma, and haven't had a chance to sit down and sort it all out yet, which is kinda bad as it's for a lot of money, but it can't be helped atm. (I am typing this up without internet access atm, so I can't even be doing it in the time I am taking to write this blog).

I need to make plans for my life so that I can get everything back on track. Life is so much easier when you have a schedule to follow which can help you organize your daily routines, so I will probably sit down and write out a timetable for what I will do with my free time, and as this is a poker blog, I'll write out my poker plans/goals here.

• Get TourneyTrax to track my tournament play/results. It's an awesome program invented by ex 2+2 moderator Jurollo, that gives you pretty graphs and shit if you input your results into it. Kinda like an advanced for of HEM for tournament players, but without the HUD.
• Put more volume in when I can play sessions. Time is tight atm and my sessions are few and far between, so when I am playing ideally I want to be 12-16 tabling at all times, as if I am +EV in the games I am playing I should make more money the more volume I play.
• Concentrate more when I am playing! I need to stop reading the internet etc whilst I am playing, as often I am just playing on auto-pilot whilst I read 2+2 and play around with Facebook etc, which in the long term costs me money. I am no longer worried that my backer will drop me, but it still would be nice if I could make some well needed money, and the best way to do this is to fully concentrate whilst playing. If I want to get good at the game, and maximize my potential then this is a must.

That's about it really, I don't want to set monetary targets, as big scores/downswings can easily skewer results, so I just want to make achievable targets that can hopefully result in monetary benefits in the long run.

Not sure when my next session will be as I might be spending time visiting my grandma etc in the times when I would usually be playing, so if it's a while till my next post then I apologize.

Till then

DoubtImReal

Winter Approaching

Call me mad but I love winter. Cold nights spent inside with the heating and an extra layer on, laughing at cold people walking past outside. Darker earlier in the nights, I've always preferred the night time so the more the better. Then of course there is more poker.

There is very little to do during the winter, especially if you live in a seaside town as do I. It's often a ghost town during the winter meaning that a lot of time is spent indoors, making a lot of time for my favourite past time of all.

I'm much looking forward to grinding over the coming winter and making some serious money. My plan is to build a large enough roll while being backed ($25k seems good) then go on my own and keep 100% of my profits. I've always enjoyed grinding for my money much more than barely playing any tables, so ideally I want to 12-16 table at all times, though it's pretty tough as I haven't found anything to play alongside MTTs that seem to work well. $4/180s seem to last too long, the turbo 45 mans aren't really big enough to suit my schedule, and I am not allowed to play any turbo 180 man tournaments that are really worth it just yet, so I'm stuck playing any MTTs I can find, which at the moment even includes $5 stud tournaments!

I'm still worried that my backer might drop me. Getting 100 buy ins deep in make-up isn't really ideal when you start being backed, and I think that I definitely need to get into the black pretty soon if I want to stay being staked.

I'm also pretty certain I'm about to lose my job, I'm just so forgetful/lazy, and my job doesn't really hold a place for my type of person. I definitely need to buck my ideas up as the guaranteed money is pretty sweet and could be used to add to a roll for if my backer does drop me.

That's about it for this post. I might play a few turbo SNG sessions during the week, but I won't be playing any MTT sessions until at least Friday really so don't expect any proper updates til then.

Til Next Time

DoubtImReal

Past Couple of Sessions - Depressed

So I didn't just play tonight like I said in my last post. I played Monday night too.

Both days have been pretty terrible. I've had a few promising runs in each of the days, but both came to nothing. The most promising being a deepish run in Stars $3r today. There was 8.4k for 1st, and I hate 60-100bbs all the way through, even though average was 15-20bb. But I lost a rather large pot for a top 5 stack:

http://www.pokerhand.org/?4624213

I've also been doing some reflection these past few days. Looking back on my, albeit short, life so far, i realized that I haven't really achieved anything thus far in my life. As a child I always dreamed that I would do something big with my life, discover the cure for the common cold or fly into space. But generally laziness has resulted in me doing the exact opposite.

I think that if the 10 year old me, looked forward and saw me now he'd be extremely disappointed, I mean I have a job that I enjoy, and a hobby that earns me a lot of money, but I could even be doing better in that. I like to try be the best at everything I do, but when that isn't the case, as basically 99% of the time, I find myself extremely disappointed and wonder what I am doing wrong.

Currently I fear that my backer is going to drop me. I haven't had any results so far and am losing money at an alarming rate. I definitely think that in order to keep being backed I need to hit a score before he sends me any money again. But it seems like the more I play the more I get soulcrushed and lose. I don't think I'm good enough to beat the game any more.

I definitely think that the 10 year old me wouldn't have minded being one of the top poker players in the world, so I'd like to make it happen, but I don't think I'll ever get good enough, and I'm not if I have the potential to please him.

Til next time

DoubtImReal

First Post!

Sup!

1st post! Start with a short introduction.

I'm an online poker player, and article writer, and go by the screen-name DoubtImReal on Pokerstars. Don't have good results there as yet, but it's over a small sample size.

I'm backed for my MTT play, meaning that I only recieve 50% of my winnings, but don't have to pay any of my buy-ins, so it has it's advantages and disadvantages, I definitely think that being backed is the best option for me at the moment, as I like the stress free playing.

I want to use this blog as sort of a diary, to record my exploits in the poker world, so I can look back when I make it, and see how much hard work and effort I put into it.

Next session is looking to be Tuesday, so I guess that's when my next update will be.

Til next time

DoubtImReal